You're here. Now what?

just a random thought

2012-01-19T02:42:00.003-05:00

of all the times i thought i knew love, i really didn't. i think i'll never really truly understand what love is, or maybe realizing that is really all there is to it

because how can you possibly expect to fully understand something so complex and abstract as love?

lemons schemelons

2011-12-15T18:08:00.001-05:00

When life throws shit at you, turn it into compost.

happiness

2011-12-15T02:41:00.003-05:00

Being happy is a gift only I can give myself. From having to look in the mirror and try my best to smile at least once each day, to greeting random strangers with a cheerful hello, I have come a long way.

I realize now that for once in a long time, I smile not because I have to anymore, but because I am truly happy.

a little smile goes a long way

2011-12-13T02:33:00.000-05:00

I'm happy, and I know it.

a little something that

2011-12-05T18:08:00.000-05:00

spoke to my heart.

2011-11-18T14:43:00.002-05:00

I keep having to remind myself every single time that if someone doesn't want your help, there's nothing you can do about it, no matter how much you try.

Sometimes I wonder: Who's ego is bigger? Not wanting to receive help even in desperation, or wanting to help although the other party doesn't want you to, maybe because you feel like you can actually change something.

101st post

2011-11-17T23:55:00.004-05:00

Oh, what a happy day!

That lovely warm fuzzy feeling inside, like my heart is wrapped in a blanket on a cold, snowy day.

I shall retire to bed now, and fall asleep with a happy, contented smile on my face.

dear juliana

2011-11-15T21:47:00.002-05:00

Be your own person, deal with your own mistakes, and let not your decisions be based off others'. Forgiving frees your mind, letting go frees your heart, and having dreams free your inhibitions. If you will never try to love life and laugh, no one can teach you how to.

emo nemo

2011-11-02T02:16:00.001-04:00

some days, you just feel like smiling for no reason :)

i mean, there is a reason, but i'd just like to bask in the happy high.

:)

mistakes

2011-10-30T17:37:00.001-04:00

Through mistakes, we grow up and learn what not to do, and what to never ever compromise.

growing up

2011-10-23T15:54:00.002-04:00

Being called pretty or smart or similar compliments used to mean a lot. Like laughingly brushing it off and denying it kind of a lot. Now, I have come to terms with it and am able to graciously accept it and say thank you. I also realized today that it doesn't mean as much as it used to anymore.

Instead, having a good heart and staying humble is what matters most to me; qualities that I strive to have. And the fruits of the Spirit:
Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness, and
Self-control.

Being beautiful on the outside may be an advantage in the real world, but having a beautiful heart is what makes that beauty shine through. I have a long and possibly unending journey ahead of me, full of potholes and poisonous shrubs, but I will never want to stop trying.

Oh, the joys of maturing.

sidenote

2011-10-15T23:23:00.001-04:00

Call it growing older or maturing with age, but I have come to a point in my life where little, petty stuff that used to matter, is now nothing more than a sidenote. I guess everyone eventually reaches a point like this in their life, or not.

With my environment and external influences constantly changing, somehow, I feel the need to preserve what's left inside me, to be true to myself, no matter what happens. Honesty, loyalty, and humility.

I have come to realize that the only opinions that matter are the opinions of people who matter to me. Everything else is irrelevant. Or at least I'm getting there.

talk about feelings

2011-10-12T01:18:00.000-04:00

Overly sensitive boys are such a pain in the mental butt. Now, if only I could find a way to kick the imaginary butt out of my life forever.

sense

2011-10-11T16:14:00.003-04:00

I just realized about 5 minutes ago, that personality and levels of sensitivity play a very important role in the success of a relationship, not only in the boy-girl sense, but also with platonic friendships as well.

Some people value attention above everything else, some value appearance, some value communication, some value physical closeness, some value sucess, drive, and ambition, and many other things, and some, like me, value trust, over everything else.

Argue all you may, but there is no one attribute more important than another. It all depends on your own personality, your upbringing, events that have shaped your life, influences from people who step in and out of your life, etc, and most importantly, that's what makes you your own unique person.

Maybe the key to a solid friendship or relationship is to understand that no two people are the same in this world. Heck, you can come awfully close, but you can never be two exact peas in a pod. There will always be something that seperates you from the other person, or a little thing that annoys you to no end. To understand that there are certain things that you will never understand about a friend or a partner, and ultimately, NOT trying to analyze or rationalize those differences.

And that, is where many (including myself, many times over) fail. Because, in my opinion, that is the hardest (and also most dangerous) part of intimate social interactions.

2011-10-07T02:15:00.002-04:00

I just realized a few seconds ago, that I would rather seek personal/intellectual fulfilment in life, rather than social ones. I guess, I always thought of myself as rather 'handicapped' in the social department, but each man to his own. The world may be tough for people like that, but in the midst of a sea of umfamiliar faces, having a few smiling back at me is more than enough.

Jolene

2011-09-30T08:39:00.003-04:00

"Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Im begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Please don't take him just because you can
Your beauty is beyond compare
With flaming locks of auburn hair
With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green
Your smile is like a breath of spring
Your voice is soft like summer rain
And I cannot compete with you, jolene

He talks about you in his sleep
There's nothing I can do to keep
From crying when he calls your name, jolene

And I can easily understand
How you could easily take my man
But you don't know what he means to me, jolene

Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Im begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Please don't take him just because you can

You could have your choice of men
But I could never love again
Hes the only one for me, jolene

I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do, jolene

Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Im begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, jolene, jolene, jolene
Please don't take him even though you can
Jolene, jolene"

Such a simple, honest song, but rings so true.

heartache

2011-09-27T14:17:00.000-04:00

It has been almost a month and im still not okay. Even when i know i have an exam the next day and i really need to study for it, my heartache is like a disease, it can never go away, and it hits the most at times when i need it to be furthest thing from my mind.

2011-09-27T11:42:00.001-04:00

So true.

2011-09-25T09:34:00.001-04:00

On a blanket in VTH:
"Love is not love until you give it away."

But what if you never get it back, ever? How much then should you give away at once?
And if you don't give away all of your love at once, is that even love at all anyway?

What if someone took your heart, ran it through the washer and dryer, aired it out in the sun, and gave you back an empty shell? What do you do with it then?

Do you try to fill it up again?

Or do you throw it away and build a new one from scratch?

2011-09-10T23:15:00.002-04:00

When someone close to your heart leaves, it leaves a void that can never be filled. That's the reason why I hardly let anyone in in the first place. When I finally opened up my heart, I got it ripped to pieces. I can regret all I want, but I can never undo my past.

2011-09-08T23:00:00.001-04:00

Now, I finally see the truth in the saying, "If it's meant to be, it's meant to be".

2011-09-08T11:41:00.003-04:00

Once in a while, something comes along that you are willing to give up everything to fight for. It means so much to you that you do all you can to make it work. But sometimes, the willingness to fight for it is just not enough. Eventually there comes a point when you just know that it's not worth it to keep fighting anymore. Deep inside, you just know that there's nothing you can do anymore no matter how hard you try. That's when letting go happens.

2011-09-08T04:21:00.000-04:00

It takes two to tango.

2011-06-19T00:20:00.004-04:00

on days when you don't feel like doing anything,

or talking to anyone,

but you know you got to,

just put on a brave face,

AND SMILE.

although it feels forced and painful,

JUST SMILE.

and everything will be okay.

JUST ONE MORE DAY.

2011-03-20T16:18:00.001-04:00

If only words could be unsaid, unread, unwritten.

Then, hearts could be unbroken.

2010-12-27T12:00:00.002-05:00

The only New Year's Resolution I am gonna make this year is to go to church regularly. I won't even say more regularly. Just regularly.

And maybe, stay in school. =D

2010-12-03T12:18:00.000-05:00

i'm a wreck.

2010-12-02T22:45:00.000-05:00

i fucking hate this. i get so depressed when im all alone its not even funny. and thn i start to get angry and everything and anyone. and that makes it all worse. its all one big fucking cycle.

2010-11-06T18:00:00.000-04:00

I've never cried so hard in my entire life than I have this past year.

The only people who can hurt you are the people you care about and love, and being vulnerable tears down those barriers you took years to put up.

I guess I just shouldn't care anymore. Caring only brings hurt, so why bother.

2010-09-05T07:05:00.001-04:00

Miracles happen.

Prayers get answered.

To God be the Glory.

the aching inside me

2010-08-31T18:26:00.000-04:00

The power of the spoken word,
that fills your heart with urgent longing
and your vulnerable mind
with thoughts riddled with lustful desires
your common sense is eclipsed
your body is yearning
for that relief and heightened sensation.
The feelings keep coming back
snaking in
and etching itself firmly on to the walls of your soul
throbbing hard against your will
until you can take it no more

ah, damn you food cravings.

2010-08-30T22:13:00.000-04:00

i miss you so much its hurting so bad

2010-08-30T20:24:00.000-04:00

how come

those tears

they don't dry up

2010-08-30T10:34:00.000-04:00

I never understood hurt like I do now.

dark

2010-08-30T03:43:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I pretend you're the shadow on the wall, so I get to fall asleep right beside you, as always.

live.now.

2010-08-29T05:00:00.002-04:00

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present."
- Babatunde Olatunji

Wish I could believe it with all my heart.

Because

Right now, all I need is that little faith in the present, strength to let the past go, and the eager anticipation of the mystery we call the future.

That place

2010-08-26T16:31:00.000-04:00

Dreams are the only place I can commit unthinkable crimes, contradict social norms, and have absolutely no sense of moral ethics. Been there done that.

I wonder

If dreams are just a metaphor

Or really, an interpretation of your heart's deepest desires.

2010-08-19T15:17:00.001-04:00

Just a few hours and I already miss you so much.

It'll get better each day.

I hope.

July.

2010-07-19T13:43:00.007-04:00

I just watched a video that made me miss Summer in the US of A so much. The driving from state to state, the spontaneity, the crazy unexpected circumstances, and just being free and far away from the real world. Best feeling ever.

Wind

2010-06-11T14:10:00.002-04:00

What happened to the girl who dreamed big dreams and wasn't afraid to follow them?
What happened to her courage and determination to tread paths unknown?
What happened to that teenage spunk that set her apart from the crowd?
What happened to that girl who never gave a thought about conforming?
What happened to that stubborn girl who drove some crazy but loved with all her heart?

Most importantly, what happened to her dreams, those big dreams that kept her awake at night, what happened to the wishing and striving for that 'one day'?
Where is that fire, that spirit, that boldness?
What happened?

Where is that girl?

life

2010-06-03T13:17:00.002-04:00

As I get older, I realize that failures don't actually leave much of a stain on my life's canvas, no matter how blinding they may be at first. In fact, eventually, they'll turn out to be nothing more than a distant memory. The only regrets I had, will have, and continue to have is not trying it all.

p/s. i miss you.

empty

2010-05-23T18:36:00.002-04:00

Sometimes, I really do wonder what I'm living for.

Don't we all?

branch

2010-05-04T16:55:00.002-04:00

Love is a tricky subject.
Many people claim to love, yet shun gay love.

It is said that we ought to 'love people for who they are'.
In that case, shouldn't gender be out of the picture?
Otherwise, it should be 'love, only if the person is of the opposite gender'.

Straight love is perfectly fine.
But who are we to judge if gay love is right or wrong?

2010-04-27T18:57:00.004-04:00

I don't want to sleep at night because I am afraid of my dreams.

Again.

2010-04-26T00:28:00.004-04:00

I love my country, but I am not allowed to love it the way I should and want to - with bursting pride and patriotism.

Instead, I love it in that I secretly want to believe it will get better, and try to turn away from the blinding negatives and constantly remind myself to cherish the positives - like the food and Ahli Fiqir.

I don't count, I cherish.

2010-04-08T15:39:00.003-04:00

I know they say boys come and go but friends are forever.

It seems to me that friends come and go. So it must be that this thing we have is forever.

This time, when I say I love you, I mean it.

Because,

I never fell head over heels in love with you - everyday, I love you more and more.

And,

I don't love you because... . I love you just because.

If I loved you for a reason, that would mean if the reason was gone, my love would be gone too.

Maybe this is how perfect love is, after all.

fail

2009-07-01T01:05:00.002-04:00

I had a dream the other day. Weird, as usual. I was attending someone's wedding on the beach, beautiful beach, great scenery. And then a baby dolphin washed up on the sand. It was a dirty blue color, looked like one of those life-sized toy dolphins, except this was real life. So, I spent the whole wedding trying to save the baby dolphin. I don't remember much about the outcome, but I think it died anyway.

my 4 years

2009-06-28T16:11:00.003-04:00

One day in the far future when I sit on the porch, sip coffee, and look back at my life, I'll find that my years of studying for a degree were years wasted. Might as well make full use of it to explore the world while I can.

Ele-e-ele-vator

2009-04-19T04:25:00.004-04:00

Had a pretty weird dream last night. I think I should start writing all my weird dreams down.

I was in a wheelchair, so apparently something happened to my walking abilities. I was with two friends and we were having fun going up and down the ramps in some building, right up to the 5th floor or so. It looked like one of Purdue's old buildings. We stopped by lecturers' offices to chat along the way. We were having the time of our lives. Then, we decided to race up; not your conventional style of racing - they decided to put me in the elevator and both of them would rush up the stairs from the third to the fifth floor and see who reaches first. So I got into the tiny elevator, which only fitted me just right. The elevator started moving and lo and behold, it was one of the scariest experiences in my life. It started jerking, but that was okay. The elevator in my dream was one of a kind - it had two strings holding it up and although the floor was metal, I could see through the elevators. Suddenly one string broke and I was in that damn elevator, right in the middle of two doors, hanging by a string that looked like it could break any time.

And like all dreams, I woke up.

What defines me?

2009-04-05T00:18:00.003-04:00

My laziness?
The inability to persevere and complete and mission?
The fickleness?

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." Mark Twain

Sister Carrie

2009-03-01T02:43:00.004-05:00

I came across a paragraph in Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser:

"People in general attach too much importance to words. They are under the illusion that talking effects great results. As a matter of fact, words are as a rule the shallowest portion of all the argument. They but dimly represent the great surging feelings and desires which lie behind. When the distraction of the tongue is removed, the heart listens."

So true.

Chinese.

2009-02-23T10:01:00.005-05:00

I don't understand whats up with people these days. The 'racism' issue is getting more and more ridiculous these days. Pulling your eyes backwards in a slanting manner is MOCKING THE ASIANS??

Heck, everyone probably does that at some point of their lives. Even if they don't, they probably think it. Just because a famous person does it makes it a big deal?

I know some people don't like acknowledging their small eyes, but if unless you plastic-surgerize it, those eyes are going to remain on you no matter what. So DEAL WITH IT.

Along that line, would pulling your eyes wide and big or dyeing your hair blond be mocking the whites? Or would speaking broken Spanish be mocking the Spaniards?

Malaysia handles the 'racism' issue like no other. If the Malaysian government were in place of the US government instead, the immigrants would have been long told to "go back to the country where you belong" instead of being let to kick up a big fuss about what can be said and done to them and what not.

The immigrants here in US should thank their lucky stars that Americans are ultra-wary of this so called 'racism' thing, that they're probably even afraid of calling the Chinese by their surnames (especially if yours is 'Ching') because people here, IMO, are too sensitive for their own good.

negaraku.

2008-12-06T04:13:00.003-05:00

Malaysia may be a sucky country, but its still MY country.

I may not be top class citizen in my country, but so what?

I may not be given 'benefits' and 'opportunities', but I'd prefer to work hard for my money than receive credit where none is due. Competition encourages progress.

Jobs may not be as lucrative as in other countries, but I get all the good food - whenever I want, whatever I want.

It is not cool to be mean to each other in high school. We have fun with each other, not at the expense of one another. That is why being in high school is often considered the best years of our lives.

I either get rain, sunshine, or a rainbow.

Our night activities consist of having fun. Our version of having fun is trying to scare each other with ghost stories of our schools rather than getting drunk and wondering the next morning 'what the hell did I do last night?'

I get to converse in (a broken)Hokkien/Mandarin to the hawkers or Malay with the bus drivers and English at home, and if I feel like it I am free to mash up all the languages and would still be understood. I also get to emphasize my sentences with a 'lah'.

I can get sent to to prison for writing the truth.

The I-think-they're-just-bored government and top officials may come up with pretty ridiculous ideas and restrictions, but I'm glad that at least its fun watching the news.

You're never safe alone on the roads, thus justifying the need for companionship.

I come from a country that is neither too conservative or liberal. This puts me in a position to understand the reason behind 'controversial' cultures. I am able to justify 'overly conservative' cultures, yet not be shocked by overly liberal ones.

This is my country and the only place 'home'. It may be flawed, but is there such a thing as a perfect country?

Self indulgent.

2008-12-06T03:20:00.008-05:00

When in a bad mood, I expect to not be disturbed, lest you wish to be glared or yelled at.
When bored, I merely stare at you or read anything lying around.
When in a good mood, I just can't understand why people don't share my joy. That's so difficult to understand, especially when my joy usually comes at weird hours of the day and goes away as it pleases.

Sorry to anyone whom I have offended with my mood swings. ☺

♥

2008-10-27T01:13:00.007-04:00

I've heard You're able to change lives
Will You change mine?

I've heard You're able to heal hearts
Will You heal mine?

I've heard You're able to touch souls
Will You touch mine?

I've heard You're able to reach the lost
Will You reach for me?

You are the Lord of all creation
Yet You are my Father
You are the Son of God
Yet You are my friend
The heavens is your throne and Earth your footstool
Yet You live in me
At the sound of Your voice the storm be calmed
Yet you whisper to my heart

If only
Your heart be my heartbeat
Your will my desire
Your strength my comfort
Your l♥ve my hope
What else could i want?

An illusion? Maybe not.
It is dark now
I keep stumbling, falling, failing, almost giving up
I won't
Because I know the dawn will come
When i can say
The Lord and i, we made it through.

Today,

2008-10-16T13:17:00.001-04:00

I wish I could just stop studying, for real.

Dear ____,

2008-10-01T23:04:00.007-04:00

You know the words
I'm dying to speak.

You know the life
Behind the mask.

You know the song
Bursting from my soul.

You know the heart
That reaches out.

If I lie, would You forgive me?
If I fall, would You catch me?
If I walk away, would You chase me?
If I turn back, would You still be there?

It's always YES, You say.
But sometimes
I wish you'd just say NO;
Because I'm tired of the YES.

I keep begging You to let me go
But still You hold me tight
Somehow You know
I'll give it all to You one day.

I leap for sorrow
Cry for joy
Because I know
You love me
And maybe I do love You too.

M&Ms.

2008-09-27T19:48:00.002-04:00

As usual, I ate M&Ms today. There were 88 M&Ms in one of the many packets I had. That was how bored I got.

Few days later, I ate more M&Ms. One packet had 22, another had 24, another had 17(!!), and another, 18. Swindlers.

of all things cool.

2008-09-24T18:10:00.002-04:00

my mum owns and uses an ipod. she can also listen to songs with swear words without wincing. she sms-es pretty fast. we communicate using email. she sends me e-cards. she has and uses MSN Messenger, although i'd never wanna add her to my friends list. but God bless the day she facebooks. thn, i'd know i've seen all things possible.

and oh, by the way, i am practically a carbon copy of her. how cool is that!

back to basics.

2008-09-23T01:19:00.004-04:00

Within the one month here at Purdue, I have developed my worst wake-up moment. Its just like a nightmare, except it happens the moment I open my eyes in the morning. Every morning I jolt awake wondering if I missed my 7:30 am class, AGAIN. Sometimes, I am right though. That totally makes my day.

blob.

2008-09-17T15:37:00.002-04:00

dammit! i missed class today, again. and it has only been 3 weeks.

why is so hard to do stuff i don't like? maybe i should just brush up on my guitar and piano, thn hit the streets. you never know what life would surprise you with.

it's dinnertime.

2008-09-15T21:42:00.000-04:00

sisters always make you feel better. especially when you're thinking of quitting, and thinking of the consequences, and thinking that maybe you had a reason to stay, and maybe you were meant for something else, and maybe its just a journey you have to get on with. sisters give you the simplest options to along with life and whatever you're looking at. when you're depressed, they somehow manage to look on the bright side and so you smack your head and think 'why didnt i think of that before?'. they make you laugh your heads off although you were just feeling the downest of down just a minute ago. they are always there, even if you're smiling to the world and crying inside. even if everyone else seems so far away. they're always there. well, most of the time.

english 101.

2008-09-12T09:50:00.000-04:00

you know what i miss about malaysia?
being able to converse with different people in different languages. most of all, being diverse.
im starting to get tired of english, well, american english that is.

smartwater.

2008-09-11T04:12:00.000-04:00

early to bed, early to rise.
early to class, everything's nice.

shivering to school
sweating to class
everything's cool
if i'd just take the bus.

silly i know, im just bored, and hungry (as usual).

looking at the bright side.

2008-08-04T04:02:00.000-04:00

my sister is short-tempered. so am i. that makes us family.

a good night's rest.

2008-07-24T18:35:00.000-04:00

you know, how they say sleeping and waking up at the same time everyday keeps you healthy and rejuvenated throughout the day. i sleep at 5 in the morning and wake up at 12-1 almost every holiday day. does that mean i've nailed it?

shifu.

2008-06-27T14:16:00.000-04:00

I am utterly annoyed and down today because for yet another time, I forgot to set my alarm to wake up early today. So I missed the optional sociology test I was planning to take.

random.

2008-06-20T04:11:00.000-04:00

I'm not usually into sweets and chocolates and stuff like that, but once I start, I can finish up and whole shocking lot. Impulses are bad for my kidneys.

FAQs.

2008-06-17T06:01:00.000-04:00

I have been asked too many times the same ol' questions. So, being the bum that I am, I've decided to create a log answering all the FAQs. Hope it helps!

#1. Is your course finished yet?
A : NO.

#2. So what are you studying this semester?
A : Only Sociology. Thats the only subject I'm taking this semester. Don't ask me why.

#3. How come? I thought you're doing engineering?
A : Yes, for the umpteenth time, I AM doing engineering. But apparently the US system requires us to take diverse courses so that we graduate as wholesome students.

#4. So this means you're very free this semester?
A : Yes, INCREDIBLY free. My classes are 3 days per week - Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays.

#5. Then what do you do on your free days?
A : That's something for me to know and for you to find out.

#6. So when will you be flying to the US?
A : My flight date is set for 16th August 2008.

#7. In that case when does your semester end? Should be soon right?
A : Yes, my final exam is on the 26th of June 2008, so technically my semester ends around then.

#8. Whoa, so long before you fly to the US. What are you going to do for two months?
A : Haven't you heard of something called HOLIDAYING? If my plans involve you, you'll know about it. Otherwise, stop being nosy.

#9. What are you goin to major in? Have you decided?
A : Yes. I am planning to major in Aeronautical Engineering. And before you ask me why and give me all those rhetorical statements on how not many girls do Aeronautical Engineering, I'll give you my answer. I have always dreamt of flying, and I really do fly in my dreams. In secondary school, my favorite part of the physics book was the one where we learnt about aerodynamics and all that stuff to do with planes. I don't care if its tough or not; God has brought me thus far and I trust that He will continue to lead me on.

#10. Wah, you very smart ah.
A : (*thinks* There you go again... ) Thanks.

p/s. If there are any other questions you would like answers to, feel free to post below.

a fantastic birthday.

2008-06-10T02:59:00.000-04:00

I just turned 19 about 24 hours ago.

1. On my birthday eve, The Click Five sang me a happy birthday song.
2. At midnight, after eating our late dinner, we had a drink and a delicious cake in the Genting Starbucks.
3. We spent the freezing night in Genting, all 4 of us curled up and asleep in a car.
4. The next morning, after waiting for the rain to stop, The XNman and Friends drove down Genting in the thick mist and got lost around kl while I slept on.
5. At 2.30+ pm, I reported for work.

The only thing that made me sad was that I had to miss church due to the morning rain in Genting.

did you know?

2008-06-05T12:14:00.000-04:00

I like to treat my friends and pay for meals, but I really do not like to be shortchanged.
I am usually not calculative, but I do not like to be taken advantage of because of that.
I get irritated easily, but I only show that irritation openly to close friends.
Most of my friends know me as loud and boisterous with unpredictable mood swings, but I have been said to be 'shy' and 'quiet' too.
I can and love to work endlessly and tirelessly, but at the same time I am lazy to my bones.
Those who know me from Taiping think I am a sort of nerd who studies all the time and am a goody-two-shoes. Those who know me from INTEC will roll on the floor laughing at you if you mention this to them.
Although I constantly fill my time up with endless activities for the fear of boredom, wasting time has become second nature to me. That is why I am writing this post.

who fucking needs friends.

2008-05-12T14:35:00.000-04:00

fuck fuck fuck fuck
im so fucking pissed right now.
i have been starving since 7 o clock because someone forgot to buy my dinner. AND SOMEONE WHO SAID SHE NEEDED TO COME BACK TO STUDY FOR HER CHEMISTRY QUIZ SO SHE'D BE BACK AROUND DINNERTIME APPARENTLY DIDN'T FIND HER CHEMISTRY QUIZ IMPORTANT AFTER ALL.
and didn't even have the fucking courtesy to tell me that they'd be coming back late, like WAY AFTER DINNERTIME AND PAST THE 11 O CLOCK CURFEW.

i'd call mcD but im fucking broke right now.
and the reason why im so fucking pissed right now is cos i don't want to grow unhealthily thinner thn i already am.

sleep don't come easy

2008-05-06T14:34:00.001-04:00

im tired, just tired.

tired of the stupidity of the random people i meet in various places especially around the place i stay. tired of the stupidity organizations display openly. tired of stereotype proving itself true over and over again. tired of doing the same old stuff day after day. tired of wondering what would happen, if. tired of weighing the pros and cons. tired of feeling unrest. tired of feeling discomfort. tired of hoping for change. tired of being polite. just tired.

i'm finally blogging again after two years. not that i didnt miss blogging, but spilling my insides out just didnt seem like an option to me. but a few days ago, something pissed me so bad i had to get it out of my system. from boiling, it turned to frustration, thn to confusion, which led to rationalization, and now - lethargy.

apparently writing helps me a lot, at least it used to. it has been my passion, and also an ambition. so right now, i'm gonna just write and write to indulge in something that may be garbage, but diamonds in the eyes of certain beholders.

So behold, my frustration in proverbs (if i don't feel liberated explaining it, i'd just leave it for intepretation):
1. BTN.
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Period.
probably i'll write another post on it.

2. Sunday.
It is not so much the gift that is given but the way in which the gift is driven.
and
It's better to be silent and thought a fool, than to speak up and remove all doubt loose my temper.

3. Street Kings and Queens.
watched IRONMAN!! nice movie, unbelievable technology, but comedically funny characters. then we walked around the huge mall, searching for toys r us, which i reluctantly tagged along, thinking to myself "kids these days...". turned out to be a fun wonderland filled with stuffed toys. lovely place, full of stuffed toys, plastic toys, and other wonderful creations, which include small round bouncy balls.

being a person who does not usually shout her affairs to the world, or even whisper it in an empty room, this is a pretty good start. :)

I am Malaysian.

2007-12-19T22:43:00.001-05:00

I was going through a students review website which features students comments about schools in the US among others. One student wrote:

"....I haven't overheard a single intellectual conversation in 3 years, unless it was between indian or asian students."

Nice one.
You're ignorant if you can't find anything wrong with the sentence.

My prayer for the year

2007-01-19T22:47:00.000-05:00

The 7 fruits of the Spirit:
Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Self-control

+++++

Lord,
Grant me your love
To pray for those who do evil to me

Lord,
Grant me the joy
To spread your Good News those who need it

Lord,
Grant me the peace
To seek your face and will everyday

Lord,
Grant me the patience
To not retaliate when provoked

Lord,
Grant me the kindness
To do good to those who scoff at me

Lord,
Grant me the goodness
To bless those who curse me

Lord,
Grant me the faithfulness
To stay close to you in times of temptation

Lord,
Grant me the gentleness
To be more of a girl

Lord,
Grant me the self-control
To not let anger consume me

God Speaks

2007-01-04T06:06:00.000-05:00

Last night,
I was lying on my bed,
Thinking, reflecting...
A voice told me,
"You're useless, hopeless, and worthless!"
Then, I heard God's voice:
"You're my precious child."

Yesterday,
I was reading the papers,
So many things, so little time...
The media tells me:
"Your future is in your hands!"
But God tells me,
"Your future is in MY hands."

Last week,
I was in church,
Listening to the sermon,
My mind begin to wander;
"I'm hungry, when will it end?"
God gently reminds me,
"Physical food lasts for a day, My Word, for eternity."

Last year,
I was in school,
Learning, memorizing, poring...
A teacher told me,
"You'll never pass your History paper!"
Desperate, I cried out to God, He said,
"Try your best, and I will do the rest."

2 years ago,
I was anxious the night before a competition,
WHAT IF.........
A mocking voice calls out to me,
"Don't worry, you'd never win!"
God smiled, He simply said,
"Trust Me."

Sometimes,
My heart tells me,
"You're LOVEless!"
But God says,
"I love you, my child. More than you can ever imagine;
Unconditionally."

Everyday,
My Father in Heaven lovingly asks,
"Do you love me?"
I reply,
"Yes, with all my heart;
I love you, Lord."

God speaks to us in the stillest of voices,
Sometimes, all we have to do is just listen.
And believe.

To me, everyday and everything that happens in my life is a miracle. God works in our lives through the tiny things we sometimes overlook.
Every day,
Every hour,
Every minute,
Every second,
Is a blessing from Him.
Lets not waste time looking for God, because God is everywhere. If only our eyes were truly open, we will be able to see that God is indeed right beside us; leading, guiding, and carrying us through every single moment of our lives.

Hebrews 13:5 - He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.'
Jeremiah 33:3 - Call unto me and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things that you have not known.

The Day I Turned 'P'

2007-01-03T07:27:00.000-05:00

I got my driving license today. It marks the first official day I can drive LEGALLY without 'parental guidance'...or so the Law says. I am a adult now. WHOOT!

MEN ARE SMELLY.
That idea kinda gets INTO you, literally, if you'd stand in a room full of unkempt middle-aged/old males (throw in a half, no make it barely, functioning air-cond), all lining up to pay road tax, renew license, make license, etc..

As I entered the testosterone-filled JPJ room, the first person I noticed was a VERY VERY sleepy looking guard at the Information Counter. I asked him for a number, and he told me with an equally sleepy voice, "Hari ini mesin rosak. Kena beratur."
After thanking him, I looked at the signs above the counter. 6 counters with the same sign. I turned and asked the guard, "Nak buat lesen kaunter mana?"
He replied, "Kaunter 2 dan 3."
Luckily I didn't go to the less busy counters and find myself in the wrong queue.

I was standing in line, sandwiched between a young-probably-in-his-twenties guy with red dyed hair who was about the same height as me (frankly, he looked like an 'Ah Long' apprentice), AND an old man with a sort of blue patterned silk shirt who was so impatient to get his stuff done that he kept moving forward. I had to keep my right hand behind me to prevent him from getting any closer. He tripped over my reversely extended slipper more than twice, but still....ahh, that's another long story:)

Back to the twenty-something year old guy standing in front of me. By the time the queue actually MOVED, my nose was giving me problems I can't even begin to explain. The smell was like cheap perfume - EXTREMELY 'mencucuk hidung', literally translated: EXTREMELY nose-poking. I kept my head to the left (where there was actually some air), while sniffing snaffing and snuffing.

*****

Soon, I finally managed to reach the counter. Photo snipped, details printed, everything laminated, TADAA! My brand new license came into being at top speed. I grinned my 'thank you' at the clerk and zipped off to my father, who was sitting on the waiting chair, reading peacefully.

We made our way out of the room.

p.s. I am still nursing my rebellious nose.

11

2007-01-02T04:42:00.000-05:00

If a woman's destiny in life is to seduce men, and a man's destiny is to seduce women, is life of any worth after all?

New Year Resolutions

2007-01-02T03:30:00.000-05:00

As the new year dawned, I realised something: it never occurred to me to make any 'new year resolutions'. The new year seemed like just any other day...nevertheless, I have made a short list of 'resolutions', impromptu, that I hope to stick to with the start of the new year.

STUDY HABITUALLY
DO NOT BE COMPLACENT
KEEP THE 10 COMANDMENTS
BE PLEASANT TO EVERYONE
MAKE SURE THE ABOVE ARE OBSERVED PERFECTLY

Simple, easy to follow, and practical :)

12

2007-01-02T03:01:00.000-05:00

Its the 2nd of January 2007. Since everyone's blogging about the 1st of January of this new perfect year (think 7) , I decided to blog about the 2nd day instead; my 1st blog post in BlogSpot, on the 2nd of January.

-The End-