The cock really does crow incessantly in the morning...

As per title.

Time is money

I just realized something tonight. To be successful in the corporate world, one needs to be driven, to a certain extent, by money.

I've never been, and I don't think I ever will.

life

Why do I screw up everything in life? Short attention span, or is my head really in the clouds?

Blessed

I'm so blessed and I know it. Most of the time, I feel like I don't deserve it at all, but with each blessing, I'm filled with even more gratitude and assurance that I have a wonderful God who loves me and has great plans for me. I have learnt to see each challenge or closed door not as an obstacle or rejection, but rather the silver lining behind it. Challenges are there to prepare and toughen me, and with each closed door, another one opens.

Praise thee Lord.

none

i feel like i'm a failure in life. i just needed to let that out, and as i typed it on my phone, i realized there's no one really that i could send it to, or rather, want to. i'm not sad or overly emotional about it. i will probably wake up tomorrow and find that i have the sudden desire to make something out of myself and charge to it full fire, but for now, that's just how i'm feeling. a little down, undeserving, and with a tinge of insecurity.

a beautiful Easter.

God sent his son, Jesus, to die on the cross for my sins. Easter is a celebration of His resurrection. After weeks of oversleeping and skipping church, the least I can do this Easter is make sure I wake up for church in the morning.

machine gun preacher

"If we allow ourselves to be full of hate, then they've won. We must not let them take our hearts."

- Machine Gun Preacher

Watched the movie today, and this was something the little boy said that stuck with me till the end. I think the reason the statement really struck me so hard is because I realize that the same goes for every battle in our lives regardless of the circumstances. If we allow ourselves to hate, to dwell, and to be consumed by negative actions and emotions, then the battle is lost - the heart of the fight is gone.

I vividly remember the point in my life where I fought for something that was so precious to me at that time. It was a burning passion, a raging fire, and all consuming. Slowly, that passion turned into bitterness and the fire into anger, until I realized I was staring in the face of hate - the hate that built up for so long, in the name of love. Only by letting go of that resentment did I find myself coming to terms with the situation and eventually, being at peace with myself.

So yes, if there's anything I learnt, it's this: Go on, fight for that precious thing in your life, something you strongly believe in, or your hope and dreams; be passionate, be fearless, be angry even. But once you cross that fine line between passion and hate - consciously or not, the battle is lost. The war is over. It's time to pick up the pieces and start over.

declaration

I'm prone to being socially awkward and that's probably never gonna change.

I've known it for years now, but instead of trying to cover it up or actively avoiding social situations, for the first time, I am finally coming to terms with it and acknowledging it as part of my personality. I'm never gonna enjoy big social gatherings (maybe once in a blue moon) or love making new friends at parties, and I am okay with that.

Occasionally, I am at a party or big rowdy gathering where I genuinely enjoy the jokes and stories told all around me, and I bask in the fun. Lo and behold, some idiot will have to ruin it all by interrupting my mirth with the age-old "Why so quiet? Not having fun?". Despite my inclination to punch the idiot out cold, I will then spend the next 10 minutes convincing said idiot that I really am fine and enjoying the party and to please leave me alone. However, party becomes pooped and I find myself glancing at the clock with increased frequency after that.

So, yes, I am a social caterpillar who may never turn into a butterfly. But that's okay with me; because if I'm not comfortable in my own skin, who else can I be?

its hard enough writing a post what more a post title

I'm furious. No, insanely livid. Although I wish I wasn't, that doesn't change what I'm feeling at this very moment. I've calmed down a bit to be writing this, obviously, but my hands are still shaking and my blood is still boiling over. Instead of plotting murder or dwelling on rages of hate and bad thoughts, I've decided to be more productive and write. Strange thing to do, really. As if it'll calm me down. Maybe it will. Just like it is impossible to stay awake when dozing off in class, emotion is a switch I just can't turn off. People talk about it as if everyone deals with emotions the same way. It really isn't like that at all. Anger, hate, love, sadness, pity, happiness, jealousy - when its there, its there. I may feel the same general emotions, but the way I deal with it each time is different, what more compared to other individuals.

Like how emotions (especially extreme sadness and anger) still linger strongly even after the sleep is over and dreams are forgotten.

The process of distracting my mind to form words and sentences from thoughts seem to be helping a wee bit, but by just that little much.

the sky's the limit

I am at the age where friends all around are starting their careers - with some already inching their way up the corporate ladder.

Thus, I hear a lot of complains about work hours, crazy bosses, annoying colleagues, and most of all, how work life sucks.

There are also the handful, fresh graduates or otherwise, who have a hobby or talent, fueled by a burning passion - photography, writing, or a specific business idea. It's always a dilemma whether to be like the masses, and work a corporate job where you might end up being stuck in a rut but with a stable source of income, or to take multiple leaps of faith, and follow your heart.

To them, I always say the same thing: Chase your dreams with determination and purpose. Go as far as your ambition can take you. Do whatever it takes to make it happen.

Because you have the gift of passion. Most of the rest of us don't.

morning musings

Curiosity kills the cat VS. Ignorance is bliss.

Which is more potent?

In one story, the cat dies anyway, and in the other, the fool lives on. Both equally tragic IMO.

However, the cat might have caught the grenade that was meant for someone else, thus giving up its own life on behalf of another innocent soul who would have been victim to this senseless killing, and maybe in this case, the long-living fool.

Nothing is ever right or wrong, yes or no, black or white anymore. All you have is a vast grey sea and your common sense to guide you home.

Doesn't make it any easier, dammit.

Fear

Fear is strong. It holds you back, ties you up in chains, and consumes you.

The uncertainty, and speculations, and the denials..

The more you try to surpress it, the more it grows. Bigger and bigger till it becomes a ghost of your imagination, lurking in the darkest corners of your mind. Obsession.

And then, you try running. With each step away, it gets closer. Sometimes, just like a game of hide and seek, you stand still and count till 10; when you open your eyes, it is no longer there. It is gone, you think.

But it's there all right, in that sweet hiding spot, just waiting to be found.

I've always thought that the best way to counter my fears is to turn around and look it straight in the eyes without flinching. Stare it down, charge forward, and immerse in it, till it is no longer your master. Till it no longer controls you. Till it is nothing but a fading memory. Eventually, you'll find that Fear really wasn't so big after all.

Fear: Face it, until there's nothing left to face.

wind

I love nights like today, I would almost say tonight is the perfect night; quiet, lonely, reflective. The safety and peacefulness I can never get back home, I'm cherishing every moment of it.

Walking back from the library, this song was on my playlist. The moment I heard it, it touched my heart, deep and tender, because it was as if words were taken from my heart and put in song. It is everything I wanted to express, but could never find the words to.



Oh heart of mine, why must you stray?
From one so fair you run away
And one more time you have to pay
The heaviness of needless shame

Oh heart of mine, come back home
You've been too long out on your own
And He's been there all along
Watching for you down the road

So come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
You are looking for
So come home running
Just as you are

Oh child of God so dearly loved
And ransomed by the Savior's blood
And called by name, Daughter and Son
Wrapped in the robe of righteousness

So come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
You are looking for
So come home running
Just as you are

just a random thought

of all the times i thought i knew love, i really didn't. i think i'll never really truly understand what love is, or maybe realizing that is really all there is to it

because how can you possibly expect to fully understand something so complex and abstract as love?

lemons schemelons

When life throws shit at you, turn it into compost.

happiness

Being happy is a gift only I can give myself. From having to look in the mirror and try my best to smile at least once each day, to greeting random strangers with a cheerful hello, I have come a long way.

I realize now that for once in a long time, I smile not because I have to anymore, but because I am truly happy.

a little smile goes a long way

I'm happy, and I know it.

I keep having to remind myself every single time that if someone doesn't want your help, there's nothing you can do about it, no matter how much you try.

Sometimes I wonder: Who's ego is bigger? Not wanting to receive help even in desperation, or wanting to help although the other party doesn't want you to, maybe because you feel like you can actually change something.

101st post

Oh, what a happy day!

That lovely warm fuzzy feeling inside, like my heart is wrapped in a blanket on a cold, snowy day.

I shall retire to bed now, and fall asleep with a happy, contented smile on my face.

dear juliana

Be your own person, deal with your own mistakes, and let not your decisions be based off others'. Forgiving frees your mind, letting go frees your heart, and having dreams frees your inhibitions. If you will never try to love life and laugh, no one can teach you how to.