a beautiful Easter.

God sent his son, Jesus, to die on the cross for my sins. Easter is a celebration of His resurrection. After weeks of oversleeping and skipping church, the least I can do this Easter is make sure I wake up for church in the morning.

machine gun preacher

"If we allow ourselves to be full of hate, then they've won. We must not let them take our hearts."

- Machine Gun Preacher

Watched the movie today, and this was something the little boy said that stuck with me till the end. I think the reason the statement really struck me so hard is because I realize that the same goes for every battle in our lives regardless of the circumstances. If we allow ourselves to hate, to dwell, and to be consumed by negative actions and emotions, then the battle is lost - the heart of the fight is gone.

I vividly remember the point in my life where I fought for something that was so precious to me at that time. It was a burning passion, a raging fire, and all consuming. Slowly, that passion turned into bitterness and the fire into anger, until I realized I was staring in the face of hate - the hate that built up for so long, in the name of love. Only by letting go of that resentment did I find myself coming to terms with the situation and eventually, being at peace with myself.

So yes, if there's anything I learnt, it's this: Go on, fight for that precious thing in your life, something you strongly believe in, or your hope and dreams; be passionate, be fearless, be angry even. But once you cross that fine line between passion and hate - consciously or not, the battle is lost. The war is over. It's time to pick up the pieces and start over.

declaration

I'm prone to being socially awkward and that's probably never gonna change.

I've known it for years now, but instead of trying to cover it up or actively avoiding social situations, for the first time, I am finally coming to terms with it and acknowledging it as part of my personality. I'm never gonna enjoy big social gatherings (maybe once in a blue moon) or love making new friends at parties, and I am okay with that.

Occasionally, I am at a party or big rowdy gathering where I genuinely enjoy the jokes and stories told all around me, and I bask in the fun. Lo and behold, some idiot will have to ruin it all by interrupting my mirth with the age-old "Why so quiet? Not having fun?". Despite my inclination to punch the idiot out cold, I will then spend the next 10 minutes convincing said idiot that I really am fine and enjoying the party and to please leave me alone. However, party becomes pooped and I find myself glancing at the clock with increased frequency after that.

So, yes, I am a social caterpillar who may never turn into a butterfly. But that's okay with me; because if I'm not comfortable in my own skin, who else can I be?

its hard enough writing a post what more a post title

I'm furious. No, insanely livid. Although I wish I wasn't, that doesn't change what I'm feeling at this very moment. I've calmed down a bit to be writing this, obviously, but my hands are still shaking and my blood is still boiling over. Instead of plotting murder or dwelling on rages of hate and bad thoughts, I've decided to be more productive and write. Strange thing to do, really. As if it'll calm me down. Maybe it will. Just like it is impossible to stay awake when dozing off in class, emotion is a switch I just can't turn off. People talk about it as if everyone deals with emotions the same way. It really isn't like that at all. Anger, hate, love, sadness, pity, happiness, jealousy - when its there, its there. I may feel the same general emotions, but the way I deal with it each time is different, what more compared to other individuals.

Like how emotions (especially extreme sadness and anger) still linger strongly even after the sleep is over and dreams are forgotten.

The process of distracting my mind to form words and sentences from thoughts seem to be helping a wee bit, but by just that little much.