negaraku.

Malaysia may be a sucky country, but its still MY country.

I may not be top class citizen in my country, but so what?

I may not be given 'benefits' and 'opportunities', but I'd prefer to work hard for my money than receive credit where none is due. Competition encourages progress.

Jobs may not be as lucrative as in other countries, but I get all the good food - whenever I want, whatever I want.

It is not cool to be mean to each other in high school. We have fun with each other, not at the expense of one another. That is why being in high school is often considered the best years of our lives.

I either get rain, sunshine, or a rainbow.

Our night activities consist of having fun. Our version of having fun is trying to scare each other with ghost stories of our schools rather than getting drunk and wondering the next morning 'what the hell did I do last night?'

I get to converse in (a broken)Hokkien/Mandarin to the hawkers or Malay with the bus drivers and English at home, and if I feel like it I am free to mash up all the languages and would still be understood. I also get to emphasize my sentences with a 'lah'.

I can get sent to to prison for writing the truth.

The I-think-they're-just-bored government and top officials may come up with pretty ridiculous ideas and restrictions, but I'm glad that at least its fun watching the news.

You're never safe alone on the roads, thus justifying the need for companionship.

I come from a country that is neither too conservative or liberal. This puts me in a position to understand the reason behind 'controversial' cultures. I am able to justify 'overly conservative' cultures, yet not be shocked by overly liberal ones.

This is my country and the only place 'home'. It may be flawed, but is there such a thing as a perfect country?

Self indulgent.

When in a bad mood, I expect to not be disturbed, lest you wish to be glared or yelled at.
When bored, I merely stare at you or read anything lying around.
When in a good mood, I just can't understand why people don't share my joy. That's so difficult to understand, especially when my joy usually comes at weird hours of the day and goes away as it pleases.

Sorry to anyone whom I have offended with my mood swings. ☺

♥

I've heard You're able to change lives
Will You change mine?

I've heard You're able to heal hearts
Will You heal mine?

I've heard You're able to touch souls
Will You touch mine?

I've heard You're able to reach the lost
Will You reach for me?

You are the Lord of all creation
Yet You are my Father
You are the Son of God
Yet You are my friend
The heavens is your throne and Earth your footstool
Yet You live in me
At the sound of Your voice the storm be calmed
Yet you whisper to my heart

If only
Your heart be my heartbeat
Your will my desire
Your strength my comfort
Your l♥ve my hope
What else could i want?

An illusion? Maybe not.
It is dark now
I keep stumbling, falling, failing, almost giving up
I won't
Because I know the dawn will come
When i can say
The Lord and i, we made it through.

Today,

I wish I could just stop studying, for real.

Dear ____,

You know the words
I'm dying to speak.

You know the life
Behind the mask.

You know the song
Bursting from my soul.

You know the heart
That reaches out.

If I lie, would You forgive me?
If I fall, would You catch me?
If I walk away, would You chase me?
If I turn back, would You still be there?

It's always YES, You say.
But sometimes
I wish you'd just say NO;
Because I'm tired of the YES.

I keep begging You to let me go
But still You hold me tight
Somehow You know
I'll give it all to You one day.

I leap for sorrow
Cry for joy
Because I know
You love me
And maybe I do love You too.

M&Ms.

As usual, I ate M&Ms today. There were 88 M&Ms in one of the many packets I had. That was how bored I got.

Few days later, I ate more M&Ms. One packet had 22, another had 24, another had 17(!!), and another, 18. Swindlers.

of all things cool.

my mum owns and uses an ipod. she can also listen to songs with swear words without wincing. she sms-es pretty fast. we communicate using email. she sends me e-cards. she has and uses MSN Messenger, although i'd never wanna add her to my friends list. but God bless the day she facebooks. thn, i'd know i've seen all things possible.

and oh, by the way, i am practically a carbon copy of her. how cool is that!

back to basics.

Within the one month here at Purdue, I have developed my worst wake-up moment. Its just like a nightmare, except it happens the moment I open my eyes in the morning. Every morning I jolt awake wondering if I missed my 7:30 am class, AGAIN. Sometimes, I am right though. That totally makes my day.

blob.

dammit! i missed class today, again. and it has only been 3 weeks.

why is so hard to do stuff i don't like? maybe i should just brush up on my guitar and piano, thn hit the streets. you never know what life would surprise you with.

it's dinnertime.

sisters always make you feel better. especially when you're thinking of quitting, and thinking of the consequences, and thinking that maybe you had a reason to stay, and maybe you were meant for something else, and maybe its just a journey you have to get on with. sisters give you the simplest options to along with life and whatever you're looking at. when you're depressed, they somehow manage to look on the bright side and so you smack your head and think 'why didnt i think of that before?'. they make you laugh your heads off although you were just feeling the downest of down just a minute ago. they are always there, even if you're smiling to the world and crying inside. even if everyone else seems so far away. they're always there. well, most of the time.

english 101.

you know what i miss about malaysia?
being able to converse with different people in different languages. most of all, being diverse.
im starting to get tired of english, well, american english that is.

smartwater.

early to bed, early to rise.
early to class, everything's nice.

shivering to school
sweating to class
everything's cool
if i'd just take the bus.

silly i know, im just bored, and hungry (as usual).

looking at the bright side.

my sister is short-tempered. so am i. that makes us family.

a good night's rest.

you know, how they say sleeping and waking up at the same time everyday keeps you healthy and rejuvenated throughout the day. i sleep at 5 in the morning and wake up at 12-1 almost every holiday day. does that mean i've nailed it?

shifu.

I am utterly annoyed and down today because for yet another time, I forgot to set my alarm to wake up early today. So I missed the optional sociology test I was planning to take.

random.

I'm not usually into sweets and chocolates and stuff like that, but once I start, I can finish up and whole shocking lot. Impulses are bad for my kidneys.

FAQs.

I have been asked too many times the same ol' questions. So, being the bum that I am, I've decided to create a log answering all the FAQs. Hope it helps!

#1. Is your course finished yet?
A : NO.

#2. So what are you studying this semester?
A : Only Sociology. Thats the only subject I'm taking this semester. Don't ask me why.

#3. How come? I thought you're doing engineering?
A : Yes, for the umpteenth time, I AM doing engineering. But apparently the US system requires us to take diverse courses so that we graduate as wholesome students.

#4. So this means you're very free this semester?
A : Yes, INCREDIBLY free. My classes are 3 days per week - Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays.

#5. Then what do you do on your free days?
A : That's something for me to know and for you to find out.

#6. So when will you be flying to the US?
A : My flight date is set for 16th August 2008.

#7. In that case when does your semester end? Should be soon right?
A : Yes, my final exam is on the 26th of June 2008, so technically my semester ends around then.

#8. Whoa, so long before you fly to the US. What are you going to do for two months?
A : Haven't you heard of something called HOLIDAYING? If my plans involve you, you'll know about it. Otherwise, stop being nosy.

#9. What are you goin to major in? Have you decided?
A : Yes. I am planning to major in Aeronautical Engineering. And before you ask me why and give me all those rhetorical statements on how not many girls do Aeronautical Engineering, I'll give you my answer. I have always dreamt of flying, and I really do fly in my dreams. In secondary school, my favorite part of the physics book was the one where we learnt about aerodynamics and all that stuff to do with planes. I don't care if its tough or not; God has brought me thus far and I trust that He will continue to lead me on.

#10. Wah, you very smart ah.
A : (*thinks* There you go again... ) Thanks.

p/s. If there are any other questions you would like answers to, feel free to post below.

a fantastic birthday.

I just turned 19 about 24 hours ago.

1. On my birthday eve, The Click Five sang me a happy birthday song.
2. At midnight, after eating our late dinner, we had a drink and a delicious cake in the Genting Starbucks.
3. We spent the freezing night in Genting, all 4 of us curled up and asleep in a car.
4. The next morning, after waiting for the rain to stop, The XNman and Friends drove down Genting in the thick mist and got lost around kl while I slept on.
5. At 2.30+ pm, I reported for work.

The only thing that made me sad was that I had to miss church due to the morning rain in Genting.

did you know?

• I like to treat my friends and pay for meals, but I really do not like to be shortchanged.
• I am usually not calculative, but I do not like to be taken advantage of because of that.
• I get irritated easily, but I only show that irritation openly to close friends.
• Most of my friends know me as loud and boisterous with unpredictable mood swings, but I have been said to be 'shy' and 'quiet' too.
• I can and love to work endlessly and tirelessly, but at the same time I am lazy to my bones.
• Those who know me from Taiping think I am a sort of nerd who studies all the time and am a goody-two-shoes. Those who know me from INTEC will roll on the floor laughing at you if you mention this to them.
• Although I constantly fill my time up with endless activities for the fear of boredom, wasting time has become second nature to me. That is why I am writing this post.
  

who fucking needs friends.

fuck fuck fuck fuck
im so fucking pissed right now.
i have been starving since 7 o clock because someone forgot to buy my dinner. AND SOMEONE WHO SAID SHE NEEDED TO COME BACK TO STUDY FOR HER CHEMISTRY QUIZ SO SHE'D BE BACK AROUND DINNERTIME APPARENTLY DIDN'T FIND HER CHEMISTRY QUIZ IMPORTANT AFTER ALL.
and didn't even have the fucking courtesy to tell me that they'd be coming back late, like WAY AFTER DINNERTIME AND PAST THE 11 O CLOCK CURFEW.

i'd call mcD but im fucking broke right now.
and the reason why im so fucking pissed right now is cos i don't want to grow unhealthily thinner thn i already am.

sleep don't come easy

im tired, just tired.

tired of the stupidity of the random people i meet in various places especially around the place i stay. tired of the stupidity organizations display openly. tired of stereotype proving itself true over and over again. tired of doing the same old stuff day after day. tired of wondering what would happen, if. tired of weighing the pros and cons. tired of feeling unrest. tired of feeling discomfort. tired of hoping for change. tired of being polite. just tired.

i'm finally blogging again after two years. not that i didnt miss blogging, but spilling my insides out just didnt seem like an option to me. but a few days ago, something pissed me so bad i had to get it out of my system. from boiling, it turned to frustration, thn to confusion, which led to rationalization, and now - lethargy.

apparently writing helps me a lot, at least it used to. it has been my passion, and also an ambition. so right now, i'm gonna just write and write to indulge in something that may be garbage, but diamonds in the eyes of certain beholders.

So behold, my frustration in proverbs (if i don't feel liberated explaining it, i'd just leave it for intepretation):
1. BTN.
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Period.
probably i'll write another post on it.

2. Sunday.
It is not so much the gift that is given but the way in which the gift is driven.
and
It's better to be silent and thought a fool, than to speak up and remove all doubt loose my temper.

3. Street Kings and Queens.
watched IRONMAN!! nice movie, unbelievable technology, but comedically funny characters. then we walked around the huge mall, searching for toys r us, which i reluctantly tagged along, thinking to myself "kids these days...". turned out to be a fun wonderland filled with stuffed toys. lovely place, full of stuffed toys, plastic toys, and other wonderful creations, which include small round bouncy balls.


being a person who does not usually shout her affairs to the world, or even whisper it in an empty room, this is a pretty good start. :)